LOST.....

Why is life so difficult? As it is life is unfair but why does difficulties just have to occur one after another?

This is how my life has been for the past 28 years. I can hardly remember my sweet memories, let alone count them! Going through ups and downs are part parcel of life but to be experiencing bad luck continuously is just so cursed!

How do I get out of this rut of mine? I’ve tried being calm, being to myself, isolation, silence and yet nothing has improved. Day by day, time after time my confidence and self-esteem just fades away. Sooner or later, I too might just fade away.

I’ve tried numerous ways of controlling my temper. Although there have been some improvements, there are times I blow my top off. Rather than temper it’s actually the fear in me that spoils everything. The fear of being looked down upon, fear of losing something or someone that I love and care more than my life. The fear of ending up being all alone.

I realize all the mistakes I’ve done in the past. I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. I have attempted to end my life numerous times but to no avail. It is at that point of heartache that I make such decisions but when I rationalize the decision, it is sheer stupidity. I’m able to think of the bad and good but consequences are always disappointing.

I talk myself out of doing anything stupid and build the strength in me to get up and walk. But halfway through my journey I fall again. And it is never a trip or a slip, it’s always a terrible fall where I end up bleeding profusely. I’m full of wounds healed or not, scars that never fade and to make it worse there are those around me who add more salt to my wounds.

I’m not fully putting the blame others, I do know it’s is mine too. But don’t I deserve something good in life? Don’t I deserve care, love, compassion, happiness and justice?

I’m so used to giving so much of love and care in me to others but none I get back. There are times I’ve forgotten my self, been sick, got hurt but no one has been around for me. It has always been me to other’s rescue. I am there at anyone’s call, especially the one I love dearly. Sadly, I end up being blamed for all the wrong that happens, disrespected and unappreciated. My heart bleeds when accusations and harsh words are thrown at me.

Is this what I deserve for all that I’ve done? Why does this always happen to me repeatedly? Why is it I’m yet to learn a lesson? Why is it I’m still desperately seeking for true love? Is it that difficult to find such a priceless gift that God has given to each and every one of his creations? And exactly when do you know it is true love? I feel that I have found my true love but halfway through it’s not. Why do I have to go through all the way believing against all odds and suffer in the end?

Is there anyone out there suffering just like me? How do they cope? I never want to be a failure but just how is it that I pick myself up and march forward? How do I hold my head up high and face this cruel world? How do I make myself feel proud? How do I gain back my confidence, dignity and pride?